


Laughing With Blue Lips

by khurst



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 04:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7670866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khurst/pseuds/khurst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn takes Chakotay out on a scouting mission to get them away from the ship for a while when things go wrong...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Titanic inspired fic. The idea was originally posted on  
> [tumblr](http://emmikamikatze.tumblr.com/post/148339450241/angsty-jc-fanfic-request), but I couldn't wait so I just wrote it myself instead of waiting for someone else to write it.
> 
> This is a first draft. No beta has ever seen this, so all mistakes are mine. If you find any, send them my way or keep them ;)
> 
>  
> 
> The title is inspired by Regina Spektor songs (Laughing With and Blue Lips) - I was struggling to find a good title.
> 
> While writing this I was mostly listening to the following songs (in case anyone wants to get on the mood):  
> Arvo Pärt - Spiegel im spiegel  
> Samuel Barber - Adagio for Strings, Op. 11  
> Yann Tiersen - L'absente  
> Yann Tiersen - La plage  
> Yo-Yo Ma - Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major, BWV 1007: Prélude  
> Philip Glass - The Poet Acts  
> Max Richter - Vladimir's Blues

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended.

 

* * *

 

“Kathryn, are you seeing this?“

“Yes,” she breathed excitedly, eyes glued to the terminal.

The scanners showed a massive source of almost pure dilithium. This was too good to be true and if she was honest, she had only taken Chakotay on this scouting mission because she had expected to find merely traces of the mineral, like Voyager’s long range scanners had indicated. She had hoped it would be enough to get them to the next inhabited M-class planet where they could trade for the amount of dilithium they needed.

Had she known this source was so pure and so massive, she would have taken Voyager here, so B’Elanna could start mining right away.

“Should we get closer?” Chakotay asked, Kathryn’s excitement quickly spreading to him.

“Yes,” she replied while working her console, “We need to see if there will be any problems for mining. Take us into a lower orbit.”

The shuttle smoothly went into a lower orbit and when they broke the thick layer of clouds the view was breathtaking. The whole planet was white, covered in snow and ice, with specks of a vibrant azures and turquoise.

“Kathryn, look,” he quickly urged her so she wouldn’t miss the beautiful sight.

She threw a glance to the viewport meaning to only have a quick look but then she found her eyes glued to the spectacle outside, her eyes open wide in wonder.

“It’s beautiful,” she breathed, her readouts quickly forgotten, unable to tear her gaze away from the sight before her.

“Yes, it is.” Chakotay smiled, but different to Kathryn’s, his eyes weren’t glued to the spectacle outside the shuttle but the one inside.

It had been a while since he last saw her sincerely fascinated and utterly happy about something. But there and then, her face glowed and her eyes had a shine to them, like they used to have in the beginning of their journey, when all the wonderful sights, all the undiscovered miracles of space still moved her unhindered, when she could still give in to the sensations without the burden of her guilt crippling her. But the years and the losses had slowly stripped her of that and it had been years since she had simply enjoyed something without immediately thinking about the dangers it may hold. It was a rare gift for Chakotay to see her so carefree and happy and he was glad he had gone on this scouting mission with her.

Chakotay was so engrossed in enjoying the woman next to him, that he missed the dangerous spike in the readings on his own console. It wasn’t until the shuttle shuddered violently and was thrown to the side, that he tore his eyes from Kathryn and concentrated back on navigating the space craft.

“Damn,” he muttered under his breath, “we lost inertial dampers. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

“What happened?” Kathryn asked more to herself than Chakotay, while trying to make sense of the readings.

“I can’t get us into a higher orbit.” His fingers practically ran over his console trying to get the shuttle to move the way he wanted it to, “There's too much atmospheric neutrino disturbance. I can’t navigate through.”

“Did you try an oscillating phase harmonic?”

Suddenly the shuttle lurched and they both felt it tilt forward and grabbed their consoles.

“We’re not going to make it if we crash without inertial dampers,” Kathryn warned as the got closer to the surface. Suddenly all that ice and snow didn’t seem quite as appealing.

“I’ll engage thrusters,” he uttered, “if we crash down into open water, we can make it.”

He looked at her for a moment, waiting for her approval, and when she nodded, he quickly engaged the thrusters and gave a couple of short bursts.

“Hold on,” he said, stealing a glance at her now grim face, “here we go.”

Chakotay had spotted a large body of open water and seeing as it was their only chance to make it without being crushed he steered the shuttle towards it as well as he was able to, while trying to gently get it closer to the ground, so the impact wouldn't be too hard.

“Brace for impact.” It was usually her line. He looked at her as he crouched forward and saw her do the same. Their eyes locked as they waited for the shuttle to touch down. Endless seconds passed by and just when Chakotay wanted to lift his head and look outside, he felt himself being thrown out of the seat and heard the screeching noise of metal being crunched together. Before he could feel the full blow of the touchdown, his vision darkened.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 “Chakotay?” He felt the cold hiss of the hypospray against his neck, “Wake up we need to get out of here.” Her voice sounded urgent and when he blinked and opened his eyes he found her face close to his, her eyes full of worry.

“Kathryn, are you okay?” He slowly sat up, groaning in pain.

“The pain should get better in a moment,” she said, hoisting him up despite his grunting, “we need to get out before the hatch is submerged,” she urged him on.

Only then did Chakotay realize that his feet were wet. He looked around and saw that the cabin was slowly filling with water. Kathryn was right. If they didn’t get out before the hatch was under water, they wouldn’t be able to open it. They had to hurry. He tried to ignore his pain, pushing it to the back of his mind and with her help, he stood up and made his way to the rear hatch. He leaned against the bulkhead, while Kathryn worked the hatch open wide enough for them to climb out.

“How do you want to do this?” Chakotay asked her, unsure how they would both reach the hatch.

“I’ll hoist you up,” she encouraged him, obviously having thought this through already, “and when you’re out you’ll pull me up. Come on.”

Kathryn took Chakotay’s hand and pulled him over to her. “I’ll give you a leg up and you pull yourself up. I’ll try to push you up as far as I can.” She said cupping her hands together and gestured for him to put his foot in them. Chakotay grabbed in to her shoulders and she hoisted him up. His foot slipped and he fell down with a moan and a grunt, but she quickly pulled him back up.

“Let’s try again.” She refused to accept failure. They would get out of this. She would see to it.

She nodded at Chakotay in encouragement and cupped her hands again, bending slightly forward to allow him better leverage. This time they were successful and Chakotay was able to grasp the edge of the open hatch. Kathryn pushed him further upward and with her help he was able to pull himself up. When he was out he quickly turned around and reached out for her. She had no trouble grasping on to his arm and pulled herself up, while he tried to pull her out at the same time. It took them a while at the awkward angle, but Kathryn finally collapsed next to Chakotay and tried to catch her breath.

“That was fun.” She was still out of breath but rolled to her side and sat up to have a look around. She squinted her eyes, but could only see water around them, no shore line in sight.

“Chakotay, we’ll need the life vests.” She already regretted it, but she had to go back inside and get the vests before the shuttle sank.

He quickly nodded and got ready to take the vests and pull her back up. She was right. If they wanted to stand any chance of holding out until Voyager found them, they would need the life vests. He was just glad that he had thought of sending a distress signal before they crashed, hoping that Voyager would get it in time.

Kathryn was fast. It didn’t even take her two full minutes to get the life vests and pull herself back up. She stood up and helped Chakotay to his feet. They helped each other into their vests and fastened each other’s clasps. The shuttle lurched under them and when Chakotay staggered to the side Kathryn held his arm to steady him.

“I wouldn’t want you to fall in.” She smiled and pulled the string to inflate his Starfleet issue PFD. He smiled back and pulled her string, watching as her vest inflated. He was still grinning at her when he noticed her distressed look.

“Your vest isn’t inflating.” Her eyes searched his and he knew what she was thinking before she voiced it, “I need to get back and get you another one.”

“There’s no time.” He grabbed her shoulders as she was about to turn back to the hatch, “You won’t make it out in time.”

“But you need a functioning life jacket.” She struggled against his grip, trying to get past him.

“Kathryn stop,” he raised his voice at her, “I’ll be fine. We’ll make this work somehow.”

She knew he was right. If she went back in, she would never make it out in time. The shuttle was sinking too fast and the cabin was rapidly filling with water. Kathryn looked back up at him and the fear was clearly written in her eyes. With his hands still on her shoulders, she grabbed his upper arms to steady them both and suddenly the pressing urge to laugh overwhelmed her. She tried to hold it in but it just bubbled over and she let out a loud belly-deep laugh. At Chakotay’s questioning, but amused frown she tried to catch her breath and explain, but whenever she opened her mouth, more giggles and laughter would come out until she was finally so out of breath, she was forced to stop.

“I can’t believe,” she uttered, taking in huge gulps of air, “I’m still…letting you...fly…my shuttles.”

“Next time you can take Tom Paris,” he chuckled at her obvious amusement despite their situation, “I hate the cold anyway.”

Their banter was rudely interrupted when the shuttled lurched and tilted suddenly. They both looked down to see water creeping towards them.

“Kathryn, we need to jump,” Chakotay urged her, “or we’ll be pulled under with the shuttle when it sinks.”

Kathryn looked around them. As far as she could see there was only water, ice cold water. They would never make it to any shore in the icy water. But then she felt the shuttle buckle once more under her feet and looked down at the slowly sinking vessel. No matter how slim their chances were in the water, if they stayed here and were pulled under, they would drown. She looked back up at Chakotay and at his gentle urging nod she grasped his hand tightly. He took a last look at her life jacket, making sure all the clasps were closed and it was inflated, before he started counting.

“One. Two.” He saw her take a deep breath and did likewise, “Three.”

A shock went through their bodies when they hit the water and went under. The force of the entry and the sudden cold made them loose their contact and Kathryn immediately scrambled for the surface. She was only under for a few seconds, but it felt like minutes and when she broke the surface she gasped for air and struggled to swim. When she didn’t see Chakotay right away, she turned around herself, desperately looking for him.

“Chakotay,” she yelled, “CHAKOTAY.”

It seemed like a lifetime before his head appeared and she saw him take the same gulping breaths she had done a few moments earlier. Kathryn tried to ignore the painful beating of her heart and swam towards Chakotay.

“There you are,” she struggled to get the words out, still out of breath.

“Are you okay?” He asked, already looking around for anything they could climb on to get out of the water.

“Cold and wet,” she chuckled slightly despite their predicament, “but yes, I’m okay. You?”

“The same.” He nodded quickly not stopping his search. “We need to get out of the water.”

Kathryn understood what he was doing. He was looking for something, anything really, they could climb on to get out of the water. The water seemed vacant of any floating ice, so that was out of the question. They could only hope that some of the shuttle’s debris would be big enough to carry them. It didn’t take Kathryn long to spot what seemed to be a part of the outer hull.

“Chakotay, look.” She pointed in the direction of the hull piece, glad to get them out of the water. “That should work.”

It didn’t take them long to get to the debris and when they reached it, Chakotay saw what he had been assuming from afar. It wasn’t big enough for the two of them. It was barely big enough to carry Kathryn.

“Climb on,” he urged her on, “I’ll hold it in place.” She nodded quickly and pulled herself onto the hull piece.

“Come on.” She reached her hand out to him, smiling, glad to be out of the icy water, “I’ll pull you up.”

Her smile quickly faded when Chakotay shook his head and declined her hand. “Kathryn, it’s not big enough.”

She looked around frantically, trying to argue his point, but as much as she wanted to, he was right. There was no way in hell they would both fit on it and still keep it floating.

“We’ll take turns then,” she stated matter-of-factly, leaving no room for a come-back and grasped his hand in both of hers.

Chakotay didn’t try to argue with her.  He let her take his hand and laid his other arm on the edge of the debris, careful not to let it dip under water. He watched their breath condense into visible clouds for a while and listened to his own thumping heart while Kathryn hit her comm badge in regular intervals trying to contact Voyager. Chakotay knew it was too soon. Even if they received their distress signal it would take them a while to get here. Voyager was faster than their shuttle, but they had not invented magic yet. But it kept Kathryn occupied and her mind on something else than the cold. Their teeth were starting to chatter and Chakotay could feel his muscles tense up with the cold. He knew Kathryn would soon suggest that they switch places, so he tried to suppress his trembling and moved his legs in an attempt to warm himself up.

He laid his head down for a moment, his eyes fixed on their mingling breaths, his legs moving in a regular but slow pattern.


	3. Chapter 3

“Wake up, Chakotay.” The gentle shake of his head stirred him and he opened his eyes to look into Kathryn’s face. Her teeth were chattering violently by now and her lips were starting to turn blue. But her grip on his hand had not weakened and she was still smiling at him. “You can’t fall asleep in this cold, okay?”

“Okay,” he promised, locking his eyes with hers, “You keep pushing that badge. I want to get out of here.”

And she did. She kept repeating the same gesture over and over – pressing the comm badge and calling out “Janeway to Voyager. Do you read? Janeway to Voyager, please respond.” The same words over and over, while her eyes were glued to his making sure he didn’t close them.

When she felt him slip a little from the small debris, she quickly reached out her free hand to pull him back up and kept it clasped around his arm. With both hands holding him in place, her desperate attempts to reach her ship stopped and she focused on keeping Chakotay in place and awake. But his eye lids were drooping and his lips were blue, his skin starting to turn an unhealthy shade of purple under the bronze and she knew she was losing him fast.

“Chakotay, look at me.” She shook his shoulder and he tore his eyes open.

“I love you.” The words were barely a whisper, but it was all he could manage.

She scrambled closer to him until her lips were next to his ear, her hand holding his head in place, “You only say that because you think you’re going to die. But you’re not going to die, that’s an order.”

Chakotay managed a small chuckle at the thought that she could command death, but it caught in his throat and caused him to cough violently, making him slip further from the hull piece. Kathryn tried to hold him in place with all the strength she had left, but her arms and hands were stiff and he was too heavy with his soaked clothes and before she knew it he had slipped from her grasp and fully into the cold water.

“Chakotay,” she gasped in shock, her eyes tearing open and the adrenaline pumping into her veins.

With all her strength she pushed her arm under water, grasped his arm and pulled him back to her. He resurfaced but she wasn’t strong enough to pull him back onto the hull piece and he was in no condition to pull himself any closer. So Kathryn just held on to his hand with all her might and pulled him as close as she could get him.

Chakotay knew there was no use and he felt his whole body starting to go limp. He had trouble keeping his eyes open and every breath was painful and more difficult. He saw Kathryn’s eyes starting to fill with tears as she realized the same, but he could also see the defiance in them and the tenacity in her rigid posture.

He knew that when he lost consciousness and she had to hold him up by herself the debris could tip and she could fall into the water. She had to let go of him, if she wanted to stay save. If she stayed out of the water she had a chance to survive until Voyager reached them. But if she fell back into the water now, she would never make it.

Chakotay tried to open his hand and let her go, but she felt it and clenched her hand closed against his, her eyes searching his for his intent.

“Let go, Kathryn,” he whispered, his voice tired and his eye lids dropping, “They’ll find you and you will grow old and wrinkled. I want you to grow old and wrinkled, Kathryn. You have to let me go.”

He tried to open his hand again, pry it away from hers, but she refused to let go and grasped him harder.

“I’ll never let you go,” she said in the best command voice she can muster up, “Not until you make me.”

Her breath came in small visible puffs as she desperately tried to scramble him closer to her when his eyes fluttered closed. He was too heavy and they were both frozen stiff, but she tried to pull him up with her in a vain attempt to get him to open his eyes.

She saw his arm move under the water and a racking sob escaped her when his wet hand emerged and he pressed his comm badge into her hand.

“Don’t you die on me now,” she screamed grasping his hair, “I’ll hate you if you leave me alone. Do you hear me? I’ll hate you.”

“Kathryn,” his voice was becoming weaker and they both knew he had no time left, “I’ll always be with you.”

“I love you, Chakotay. You hold on,” she whimpered against his temple, cradling his head close to her, “and I promise I’ll never let you fly another shuttle. I can’t do this without you. I love you and when we make it back to Voyager, I won’t hide. You can’t leave me alone. You have to hold on so that I can kiss you, Chakotay. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

She closed her free hand around the comm badge as she clenched her hand around his. She didn’t have the energy to suppress her tears and her sobs, so she cried openly when he closed his eyes and laid his head on the debris. And she looked on helplessly when he slipped again and his body submerged fully into the water. But she couldn’t let go, she couldn’t do this without him and with everything she had left she tightened the muscles in her hand and held on to his hand as his body started to sink.


	4. Chapter 4

It was warm. She was lying on something soft and it was warm. For a moment, Kathryn was confused, and it took her a moment to remember that she was no longer down on the planet, Chakotay’s hand frozen to her own, his dead body only held up by her grip. Then the images came flooding back.

She saw his still form, blue and cold, on the floor of sickbay. She saw her own hand refusing to let go. She felt the hands grab for her, trying to pry their hands apart. She felt her own grip strengthen on his hand, refusing to give even a millimeter. She heard the Doctor’s urgent voice and rustling around them. She heard the flatline when the Doctor scanned Chakotay and the erratic beeping when he scanned her. She saw Tom’s worried but gentle face speaking to her. And she felt the hiss of a hypospray against her neck, before her vision blurred and darkness overcame her again. The last thing she remembered before she closed her eyes and gave in to the relief of unconsciousness was gentle fingers trying to tear them apart and her own reflexive clenching of her hand in a desperate attempt to not let go of him.

She slowly opened her eyes. The lights in the room were dimmed and she started to look around, avoiding the surgical bay and searching the other beds first. Her eyes caught on the contraption her hand was strapped into, and when she tried flexing her fingers she had to suppress a wince at the stinging pain that shot through her hand into her arm.

When she found sickbay entirely empty, her gaze wandered towards the surgical bay, expecting to find Chakotay’s still form, imagining the cloth that would be pulled over his frame all the way over his head, but hoping for the clear sight of his tattoo, letting her know that he was alive, that he would be alright.

Her breath caught in her throat when the she found the bed empty. Her eyes fluttered shut against her own volition. She felt the shiver run through her whole body, the burning behind her closed eye lids and the lump that was quickly forming in her throat. If he wasn’t in sickbay, she knew most certainly where his corpse was. She let quiet tears escape and fall down onto the bio bed and struggled to keep the sobs in.

Not wanting to alert the Doctor, she tried to consciously calm her breathing and get her rapidly beating heart under control. She opened her eyes again to stare at the empty surgical bed again and tried to imagine what Chakotay would say to her if he was here right now.

She had yelled at him. Before she had closed her eyes and let go, she had desperately yelled at him not to die.

_“You bastard, you can’t leave. You can’t do this. You promised…you promised. Always. You promised.” Her hand submerges with him and there is nothing she can do, but hold onto him and lie on the hull piece, waiting. And she doesn’t care if she freezes to death, if her own hand falls off. She doesn’t let go. She holds on to his hand under the surface, his blue, cold, stiff hand._

_Her breath comes in small visible puffs as she desperately tries to scramble him closer to her when his eyes flutter closed. He is too heavy and they are both frozen stiff, but she tries to pull him up with her in a vain attempt to get him to open his eyes._

_“Don’t do this to me. You promised.”_

“How is she, Doctor?” he asked his eyes never wavering from Kathryn’s still form.

Chakotay watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest, the rosy color of her cheeks. Her right hand was in some kind of contraption.

“The Captain will be fine. She is merely sedated.” The doctor noticed Chakotay’s frown and clarified, “She refused to let go of your hand. I had to sedate her in order to treat both your injuries and hypothermia. I was about to call you. She woke up a few minutes ago,” the Doctor added as Chakotay threw a worried glance in Kathryn’s direction.

“How is her hand?” When Chakotay first woke up and asked about Kathryn, the Doctor didn’t know if he could fully repair her hand. While he knew it would be a price she’s gladly pay if she learned that it had saved his life, he did not want her to have to pay this price.

“It will take a while, but I believe she will regain full capacity of her hand.” The Doctor nodded, “Give another day or two.”

It had been complicated. Kathryn’s hand had been almost frozen, unlike the rest of her body. Warming up Chakotay had been a relative easy process since his whole body had been submerged in the water. For Kathryn though the Doctor had to think of a way to raise the temperature of her hand much slower than the rest of her body’s.

She heard the hushed voices from the Doctor’s office and wondered who it would be that has to come talk to her and tell her. She wondered if they would even tell her of if she’d have to ask them. She heard the quiet footsteps and decided that whoever it was, she was not ready. She didn’t want to hear the words. She didn’t want to see their pity. She didn’t want to handle their grief in addition to her own.

She was not ready to face the music outside of these walls. So she closed her eyes in a vain attempt to pretend she was asleep. She tried to conjure his beautiful face, his gentle smile. She imagined the gleam in his eyes when he would look at her and tell her how stubborn she was for not letting him go. She imagined the crinkling of his nose when he used to tease her that one day she’ll be the death of him before handing her another cup of coffee. And then she swallowed a sob and shrugged the hand off that touched her shoulder. She squeezed her eyes shut and tensed and wished them away, but whoever touched her wasn’t leaving but pulled up a chair to sit next to her.

“You can’t be mad at me forever,” the gentle, warm voice rolled over her like balm and she thought she was becoming too good at pretending. But she had no energy left so she gave in.

“Oh but I can,” she whispered back, “it’s one of the luxuries of being alive.”

“Of being stubborn, you mean,” he teased her and it broke her heart to think that it was exactly what Chakotay would say.

But when the hand slid into hers, her eyes sprang open. She would know that hand anywhere. And she had to blink a few times, to clear her vision from her tears, to make sure he was really there. But she felt his hand in hers and she felt his warm breath against her face when he leaned in. And she heard the warm tremble of his voice when he said her name.

“Kathryn.”

“Chakotay?” Her voice broke and she couldn’t believe it was really him, half expecting him to vanish when she spoke his name out loud. But he didn’t. “You’re alive.”

She let out the breath she didn’t realize she had been holding and closed her eyes in relief when his other hand came up to tuck a few stray hairs from her face behind her ear.

“They found us,” he assured her, “Just in time to save your hand.”

She wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. Just for getting back at him for dying on her.

“You’re really alive?”

“Yes,” he grinned, “thanks to you.”

“But I didn’t do anything.” She didn’t understand how she could be responsible for him being alive when she had to watch him die.

“You wouldn’t let me go,” he grinned, “when Voyager finally came, they were able to lock on to both of us, because you were still holding on to me. If you had let go, I would have sunk and without my comm badge…” he trailed off, seeing the tear that rolled down her cheek and wiped it away with his thumb, gently cupping her face.

“Are you okay now?” She wanted to be sure he was fine, that there were no lingering complications.

“I had severe internal bleeding, a punctured aorta, a tear in my liver and several broken ribs,” he filled her in on his injuries, knowing she would want to know, “Doc said it was a good thing I was in the water. Apparently the cold lowered my body functions enough to keep me alive until he could treat me.” He kissed her temple, “So you can stop feeling guilty now for having that raft all to yourself.”

“So you crashed my shuttle,” She husked her voice still raw as she finally grinned back at him, “and I saved your life?”

“Yes,” he lowered his voice to a barely audible whisper, lest the Doctor might overhear them, “and you owe me a kiss.”

“You died.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You better be.”

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“See that you do.”

THE END

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This conclusion doesn't really correspond with the original idea of having them fight it out and make up. But after writing the first part, I wasn't really in the mood to write that kind of ending, so I went with what came naturally.
> 
> I might write an adult version, but for the moment I'm pretty content with this.
> 
> Hope you like it. Comments are always welcome.


End file.
